What is idealism?

I define idealism regarding relationships as having an ideal desire for another to fit one’s idealistic picture of what a relationship should look like, including their actions and responses in any given situation.

How do you know that you’ve been idealistic in your relationships?

Here are a few indicators:

  • Suffering when reality does not fit with your idealistic picture
  • Being disappointed, leading to sadness, hurt, anger, and the demon monologues, which are your judgments, assessments, and projections about the other.
  • You are forcing an outcome for the other to fit your idealistic picture.
  • You are bleeding out emotionally, becoming depressed and resigned, or killing off the relationship, often searching for another to project that idealistic picture, hoping this time it will not end in disappointment again.

Does any of this sound familiar to you?

If so, is there a way out?

I am boldly saying “yes”!

The first step is to realize that the chances of you finding someone who will fit your exact idealized picture is very slim. And that may not be a bad thing.

Why is this so, you may ask?

Because your exact ideal person is a creation of your imagination and in real life, even if someone loves you, they like you want to be loved and appreciated just the way they are, as do you.

The second step is to acknowledge that they didn’t disappoint you; instead, you are disappointed because you projected the ideal response and way of being onto them, which is not what showed up in reality.

Once you accept that you are 100% responsible for your disappointments, you can learn and practice ways in communicating your disappointment without blaming the other “for disappointing you.

The third step is to learn and practice techniques that calm down the emotional inflammation that is taking place in your nervous system, your dorsal vagus nerve, to be exact. In short, this part of the nervous system automatically goes into a flight, fight or freeze response when there is a perceived or actual threat.

This reaction is automatic, and yet if we can push the pause button in our reactivity and understand what we are reacting to, and tag that we are inflamed by the disappointment and take three or more deep, slow and mindful breaths (exhales and inhales) it will make the reaction significantly better.

The inflammation may not entirely go away the first round; repeat the process if this is the case.

Once your nervous system calms down, you have greater access to the higher functioning part of your and, at that point, can see other perspectives to the initial trigger of disappointment.

Taking three or more slow, deep, and intentional breaths is one technique that is always accessible to you. You have to make it a habit to remember and implement it.

The trap is if you allow yourself to go down the rabbit hole and feed the blame and shame pathway, which often accompanies disappointment.

It would help if you always stopped as soon as you realize you are triggered and breathe to get a new perspective and outcome.

This tool is one of the many I use with my clients to have loving and fulfilling relationships.

Remember, the most important relationship is the one that you have with yourself, and that is what impacts our relationship with others.

If you want to know more and are interested in Relations Coaching with me, reach out to me by scheduling a complimentary 15-minute consultation call at the link below.

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