Demystifying the World of Dating: Mating and Compatibility. What is the Secret?

As a relations coach, many clients show up in my practice struggling in the area of romantic partners.  They either have a relationship which is less than satisfying, or in they are in search of a life partner aka “the one.”

If you are in one of these two categories you may have asked yourself the following questions:

• If relationships are supposed to be a natural part of being a human, then why are they so complicated?
• Is there some secret formula to finding someone with whom I am compatible?

There are no secret manuals, formulas or strategies that will create an algorithm for your idealized partner. If this were the case, then all of these online dating websites and savvy phone apps would have a higher rate of success!  People are far too complex and multi-dimensional to just answer a bunch of questions, set up a profile and “presto,” expect the screening process to be complete!

I am not suggesting that these dating platforms are a terrible idea, just that it’s not quite as simple as a mini-profile, checking off your preferences or swiping to the left or the right. Yes, questionnaires about specific categories are a start, but there is so much more to discover; mainly dismantling the myths about relationships and uncovering all that you can about yourself, including your unique personality design and identifying your most essential needs.

In more than 15 years of working with clients as a relations coach and personality expert, I can’t tell you how many times the question arises in a session or a class, “are there any personality type combinations that are more compatible than others?”

The answer to that question is No!  There are many unconscious factors that drive compatibility and immediate attraction or repulsion, and personality is one of them. Many people believe the search for a mate is merely a numbers game and there are even sayings like “you have to kiss a bunch of frogs until you meet your prince or princess!”

Is that true?

I have found that it is not so much a numbers game, but rather the ability to master the skill of laser discernment. When you know your individual personality blueprint and its drivers, then insight is a natural progression. Once you can discern clearly, many of the stumbling blocks and confusion in the world of dating disappear.

Some of the most common dating/mating stumbling blocks are:

• When we are constantly reframing* when we meet somebody with whom we are either attracted to or think has potential to be our life partner.
  *“Reframing” in psychological terms means to take a personal characteristic of a person, an action or event and in your mind, adding explanations, rationalizations, and justifications to fit a picture or outcome that you so desire.
• When we believe we can cut and paste the parts of a person to create our ideal mate.
• When we make attraction and chemistry more critical than our core value and core needs.
• When we personalize the dating process, and do not take into consideration that there are people that you do not choose to be with and there are people that may not wish to be with us.

Not to be cliché, but the answer lies within!

“When one truly knows oneself, all will be revealed.”
– Anonymous

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