In a world that focuses on the ways we “should or should not be”, the social norms or even what is socially considered sexy, cool, powerful and successful something gets lost for many people.

The real “authentic you.”  In my 15 years of coaching, I have found that many of my clients struggle with this issue no matter which area of life it shows up in.

Some of the areas include self-esteem, self-love, career, relationships et al.

When you really think about it, what makes you admire or attracted to another person? Is it the self-image they are trying to portray to you and the outside world? Or is there something about when a person is being “real” or their “authentic self?”

When someone is being who they really are, it is not only attractive, but it has a rippling effect on all who are in their presence. Others are subliminally given permission to do the same.  We find ourselves more relaxed around these people. 

If being our “authentic self” is our birthright, then why does it seem so easy for some and not for others?

Are some people just naturally born with more confidence or higher self-esteem?

Are nature and nurture both at play here? Or is there something larger and more universally common to our humanity?

The answer to this is not a cookie cutter answer but rather a combination of all of the above and then some.

As most of you know I am considered to be amongst the personality experts out there. So I would say that yes, some people are innately more assertive and direct which certainly can occur as more confident.

And yes, our environment aka “nurture” plays a role in how we relate and conduct ourselves in the world, but I also believe that the birth of our “not self” or our “shadow self” as opposed to our “true self” stems from a greater and more complexed place which impacts all of us individually.

To generalize this universal issue to one word would be too limiting because it has its many tentacles and forms.

The word “shame” aka humiliation I believe to be the birth of the “non-self.”  

When we are young children even as young as toddlers we have certain universal needs to stay alive, for food, shelter, clothing, safety, love and nurturance. Research has shown that we all have an individual blueprint or operating system that is innate.

Basically as very young children, probably even as early as in the first year of life we are subject to our parents, families, surroundings and the experiences that accompany being human in a world of other human beings.

Most parents want to be the perfect and ideal parent to their children and have the best of intentions.

 When I became a parent I believed that I was going to have “issueless children.” Ok you can laugh now. I was 25 years old and very idealistic.

The truth is that we do the best we can with what we have and that was true for our parents as well.

As Miguel Ruiz said in his book the 4 agreements,always do your best and your best looks different at different times.”

No matter how happy, loving or conscious our upbringing and childhood was, we all had moments in which our parents demonstrated stress, anger or disappointment. Our little egos with their individualistic survival strategies learned ways to adapt to get our needs met and feel safe, loved and accepted again. Hence the birth of the “non-self.”

To delve into this journey of reclaiming your “authentic self” the first step is to understand that you are not “a fake” or any other judgment your inner critic can come up with, and you can reclaim the “real you” at any time. All you need is the following:

  1. The desire and commitment to go on this journey and chip away what is not you, so “the real you” can emerge
  2. To be open, courageous and kind to yourself during the process
  3. Have the right tools, guidance, and support

Once you recognize and reclaim your “authentic self,” you will no longer be paralyzed by fear, people pleasing or the other unconscious habitual behaviors that contribute to your suffering.

You will see that you have choices that you never dreamed were possible in each and every moment.

Looking forward to speaking with you,

Iris

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