Why does getting my needs met and communicating with others have to be such hard work?

Do you know what the most powerful effective language in the world is? 

The answer is clean communication.

I know this is a bold statement and yet I will stand 100% behind it.
First and foremost, “I believe that love is a function of communication” and“when all is truly understood all is forgiven.”

What exactly is clean communication?
Clean communication is the ability to communicate to another no matter the nature of the relationship or topic, in a way that there are no “cooties” attached to it. “Cooties” are defined as judgments, assessments, guilt, shame, punishment, reward, intimidation tactics, threats, conditionality or any other kind of egoic manipulation.

Clean communication allows you to make direct requests of others in a manner that increase your odds of not only your communication being heard, but actually increases the potential that your need will be met. It allows for topics that may have been charged and a point of contention in the past, to become a safe, open and honest communication, thus giving rise to a different outcome and or resolution.

In the past 15 years as a relations coach the person whose work that I have found to be one of the most exceptional contributions in this area is the late Dr. Marshall Rosenberg and his creation of NVC (Non-Violent Communication).

The summarization of his work is basically the following:

  •   He states that we all have “feelings and needs” and distinguishes the difference between the two.
  •  He believes that all human beings are ever saying is one of two things “please” and “thank you.”

“Please” translates into I have a need. Rosenberg also found that the way we ask for our needs to be met we are almost guaranteed for them not to be achieved. Or if they are satisfied, there will eventually be a price to pay.

When we were born into this world, our natural state of being or our “birthright” if you will, was to be fully self- expressed and ask directly for what we needed. But as nature versus nurture (including society’s standards and ideals) would have it, we became conditioned in some way shape or form;  by being shamed, guilted or judged and told what was appropriate or not. Hence the wounding of our natural self-expression and our ability to directly ask for what we want.

So, what exactly interferes with asking for what we need from another you may ask?
There are many different factors in people’s personal history and experiences.  I will focus on the few that I believe to be core and common elements. I do want to include that we all have anindividual personality blueprintingthat we are born with that makes us more or less outspoken, assertive or withdrawn in getting our needs met which is the nature part. The nurture part is our personal history, and that is another topic of discussion (to learn more, click on the link above), but for now, I will focus on the “clean communication and the non-violent communication technique. 

These are some of the common traps that I have found to thwart our ability to get our needs met.

  • The fear and discomfort of getting a “No” when you want to request something of another.
  • Having some unconscious belief system that you are deemed selfish to ask for that.
  • The other party should have known your need without you having to ask for it.
  • You made the request in the past, and you got back a reactive response.
  • Having an idealized outcome to your request and then having to deal with the discomfort and/or disappointment if it is not met.
  • The context and style in which you make your request (aka jackal or giraffe). 

Can you Identify with any of these traps?

Jackal and giraffe style of speaking and getting your needs met. 
Another distinction that was also created by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg was Jackal and Giraffe speak as he called it. Giraffe and jackal styles of speaking represent clean and non-violent communication versus communicating with all the “cooties” aka egoic manipulations that are listed and explained previously.Giraffes are the land animals with the biggest hearts; therefore when Rosenberg references the giraffe language, he is referring to the language of the heart.  

When someone speaks to you from their heart, void of moralistic judgments (aka being right and wrong), isn’t it more comfortable for you to hear what they are saying and listen with compassion? 

Most people would answer unequivocally YES! The sad and challenging part is that most of us are not even aware that we are communicating in a violent or reactivating manner. It just seems reasonable and/or justified. 

There are 3 steps to change an old pattern or way of being that no longer serves us.

  •     The first step is always to see it and uncover our blind- spots in how we don’t cleanly communicate. 
  •     Secondly is to educate ourselves in new ways of communicating that is more loving, safe and effective. 
  •     Last but not least is to practice, practice and practice this new way of cleanly communicating so it will become your new set default.

This is where working with a coach and learning new skills can be really beneficial.

I have created a quick complimentary quiz to see if your style of communication in asking for what you need is “Jackal or Giraffe.”

Click on the link below to discover your communication style.


If you want to make changes in your style of communication then register for…

“The Art of Clean Communication”

Location: Cherylyn Salon 430 S. Bedford Road (Rt.22)Armonk, NY 10504

Dates: Sunday, May 19th and Monday, May 20th, 2019 (This is a 2-part workshop)

Times: Sunday 6-9pm Monday 6-9pm
Cost: $225 per person

To register click link below


Register with your partner or a friend

Cost: $195 per person ($30 savings each)


Register now, space is limited!

Book now and take advantage of the complimentary 15-minute consultation.

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